If, dear reader, you are familiar with the work of Tom Sharpe, you will no doubt be aware of the illness besetting the ladies of Piemburg Mental Hospital, namely Black Cock Fever - an obsessive, fearful fascination of that which no decent white South African (this is apartheid South Africa, of course) should ever contemplate. "They wrap them round their thighs, you know," they whisper in awed tones. "They tie rocks to them until they reach their ankles."

The more astute of you will know where I am going with this - someone we all know and love maybe suffering from a related illness. For the rest of you, I will just mention the phrase Father to a pebble and leave it at that.